


What Dreams May Come

by writetherest



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-12
Updated: 2013-08-12
Packaged: 2017-12-23 06:43:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/923205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writetherest/pseuds/writetherest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jan's having dreams that she doesn't understand. Dr. Perry helps her figure them out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Dreams May Come

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't remember if it was ever revealed if Dr. Perry was male or female, so I just made her a female. Also, this is set sometime after Back From Vacation but before Cocktails.

She's in the ocean. The water is up to her waist and she can feel the sand shifting underneath her feet. From her spot she can see the beautiful black sand beaches of Jamaica and the crystal clear waters spreading out opposite them. This really is paradise.

She hears a splash and turns her head to see Michael heading towards her. He is smiling and when he comes up next to her, he reaches out, trying to touch her. She shakes her head and moves backwards, away from him. 

The water is up to her chest now, and the sand is shifting more rapidly underfoot. Michael is swimming towards her again, still smiling, looking at her like she's his whole world. He manages to reach her this time, to touch her arms with his fingertips. She jerks away and splashes cold water in his face, taking the time that he is stunned to swim farther out away from him.

She can no longer feel the sand beneath her feet and still Michael swims after her. When he reaches her this time he manages to take hold of her hands. "Jan," he says imploringly, searching her face for something.

She rips her hands away from him, kicking to keep herself in place. "Go away Michael! Leave me alone! I don't want you. Go away!" She spins around in the water and swims away from him once again.

She can no longer even see to the bottom of the ocean when she stops swimming. The water has gone cloudy and the sky has darkened. She turns, expecting to see Michael swimming after her, but he is still in the place that she last left him. _'Good,'_ she thinks.

Suddenly the ocean around her begins to get rough. The waves crash against her body with far more force than earlier, and a cold wind begins to blow. She tries to swim back toward the land, toward safety, but suddenly a huge wave hits her from behind, knocking her under the water. She surfaces, sputtering and gasping for breath. The waves are hitting her harder and harder now, and she feels a force pulling downwards on her, trying to drag her under the waves.

She is being pulled under over and over again, and each time it takes more of her strength to kick her way to the surface. Her lungs are burning as she gasps for breath, trying with increasing difficulty to expel the water in her mouth and get fresh air before being pulled under again.

She can see Michael when she opens her eyes. The water around him seems calm, and he is still just looking in her direction. Can't he see that she's drowning? She calls out to him, begging, "Michael! Michael! Help me!" He stays still, just watching her.

She is pulled under again, and this time she barely manages to make it to the surface. "Michael! Please!" She is crying and choking, reaching out, trying to swim towards him, trying to get help, but he is the only one around and he is just watching her. Just watching her drown.

"MICHAEL!" She screams once more as a final wave hits her, drags her under. She can see the surface but she can't kick to it. Her lungs are burning and she's under the water but she's still calling, still reaching out for Michael to help her. She knows that this is it, that she is going to die here. She feels the water fill up her throat and then it all goes black.

~ * ~

She woke with a start, clutching her neck and gasping for breath. Her heart was racing and she felt like she couldn't get enough air in her lungs, felt like water was still clogging her throat although she knew in her head that there was no water, that it was all a dream. A nightmare. The same nightmare she'd been having for a week now.

She closed her eyes and took deep, slow breaths, trying to relax. She had almost calmed down when she heard a voice coming from beside her and she startled again.

"Jan?" Michael's voice was concerned, and she felt the bed shift as he sat up. "What's wrong? Did you have another bad dream?"

"A-another?" She was surprised that he knew she's been having bad dreams at all. She'd been having them all week, but she'd always woken up in her apartment in New York, alone in her bed.

"You had one last Saturday night. You woke up gasping for air, and ran to the bathroom right away. I heard the tap running, you were in there for a while and then you came back out, got into bed and went back to sleep." Michael told her while his hand began rubbing soothing circles on her back.

She turned and looked at him, again amazed at how well he really knows her. "I'm sorry. I didn't know that you were awake then. I didn't mean to wake you up. Then or now."

Michael smiled at her. "Don't be silly. If you're afraid or there's something wrong, then I want to be here with you. Awake."

"I'm not afraid." She replied quickly. "I just had an unsettling dream, that's all."

Michael nodded, taking her word for it. "You want to tell me about it?"

"No." Jan shook her head. She swallowed and took another deep breath, then laid back down. Michael frowned slightly but laid back beside her. "I just want to forget it and go back to sleep."

Ten minutes later she was still awake, her mind playing the dream over and over again. She unconsciously slid closer to Michael, found herself relaxing when his arm wrapped around her.

"Sure you don't want to tell me about it? It'll make you feel better."

"It was just a stupid dream, Michael. I was in the ocean in Jamaica. You kept swimming toward me, I kept swimming away from you, and then you finally stopped and this big storm or something came up and the waves started hitting me and pulling me under and I couldn't breathe and I was calling for you to come and help me, to come and save me, but you just stayed where you were. You were watching me drown and I was begging for you to help me and then, I went under the water and knew it was over and then everything went black and I woke up."

Michael was silent for a few moments, then said, "Well that's stupid."

Jan felt as though someone had hit her and felt her body begin to respond as though someone indeed had. She knew she had called the dream stupid, knew that the dream was stupid, but something about Michael saying it was stupid was almost too much for her to bear. By calling the dream stupid he was almost calling her stupid, and although she had called him stupid once and probably hurt him badly, she had never imagined him calling her stupid.

However, before her body could fully process everything and react, Michael continued. "If you were drowning, there's no way I'd just stay there and watch. No way in hell. If you were drowning nothing could stop me until you were safe, or I was dead trying to save you."

By the time Michael's words sunk in, her body had already reacted to his first statement and she jerked away from him right at the end of his speech. He looked up at her surprised, and found his own look mirrored in her eyes. "That surprises you?" He asked, his brow furrowed.

"I – I guess. A little." Jan whispered, letting him believe that she had reacted to his second statement and not his first.

Michael frowned slightly. "Don't you know that I'd never let anything happen to you, Jan? That I'd rather die than see you hurt?"

"Yes." She nodded, and her words were the truth. She knew that Michael would never let harm come to her. "I do know that. It's just – it's been a while since someone felt that way about me and… I guess it still catches me off guard."

Michael smiled at her, still a bit of sadness in his eyes, but he reached up and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, gently pulling her back down to rest beside him. Jan wasn't one for snuggling or cuddling, but she knew Michael was only trying to help, so she let him keep his arm around her, and she let her head share his pillow. Michael didn't say anything else, just drew patterns on her arm with his fingers until she fell into a dreamless sleep.

~ * ~

"So Jan, what's new with you?"

Jan closed her eyes against the words. Sometimes she wondered why she was still in therapy. Days like these, when Dr. Perry seemed determined from the get go to delve deep into her personal life, were times when she considered never coming back at all.

"Nothing," she replied, wanting to move past the here and now and go back to her ex-husband and how much she hated him. That was an easy subject.

"You're sure?" Dr. Perry asked with that tone of voice that showed that she obviously suspected something was new and wouldn't stop until she got to the bottom of it.

Jan met the doctor's eyes and gave her the glare that usually sent her assistant scurrying. Dr. Perry just stared right back at her, waiting.

When Jan still wouldn't talk, Dr. Perry began questioning her. "You're still with Michael?"

Jan nodded.

"And how is that going?"

"Fine."

"Just fine?"

"It's fine. We're fine. The sex is still great, I'm still staying at his place on the weekends, we still talk on the phone every night during the week, there haven't been any work related issues yet. What more do you want me to say?"

"How about the part you're purposely leaving out?"

"I'm not leaving anything out!" Jan practically yelled.

"Okay," Dr. Perry nodded, "so maybe it's not about Michael. Maybe it's about work?"

"Work is fine. Everything is fine! Can we get back to where we were last session please?"

"You only say everything is fine when it isn't. Something is going on that's troubling you and I'd like to discuss that first. Bashing your ex-husband can wait for a few minutes."

Jan let out a frustrated sigh. "I've been having dreams, okay? But they're stupid and they don't mean anything, and I'm dealing with them. Can the bashing commence now?"

"And what are these dreams about?"

Jan angrily rubbed her hands over her face before explaining the dreams to Dr. Perry just as she'd explained them to Michael.

"I see. And the dreams are always the same? Nothing changes in them?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I evade Michael for longer before he gives up, sometimes he gives up quickly. I always end up drowning while he watches, though."

Dr. Perry jotted something down on her notepad. "And what do you think these dreams mean, Jan?"

Jan gave Dr. Perry an 'are you joking?' look before replying sarcastically, "That I should stop watching Titanic before bed?"

Dr. Perry was not amused. "Jan, how long have you been a client of mine?"

"Over two years," Jan replied, rolling her eyes slightly.

"And after two years, after all that I know about you, don't you think you could just once answer my questions truthfully and forgo all this sarcastic, defensive stuff?"

"If I haven't in two years, then why start –"

"I'm serious, Jan!"

"Okay." Jan said quietly. "I don't know what they mean. If I did, then I wouldn't be having them, would I? You're the shrink, you tell me what they mean."

Dr. Perry looked Jan up and down, almost as though seeing if she could really handle what she was about to say. Then she nodded once to herself and began speaking. "I think that the dreams are a symbol of your self destructive behavior."

"Wait a minute," Jan held up her hand, "you told me to indulge my self destructive behavior by getting together with Michael. Now I'm with him and I'm dreaming these things because of my self destructive behavior? That makes no sense."

"I told you that you needed to indulge your self destructive behavior, yes. But have you really done that?"

"I'm with Michael Scott aren't I? How much more self destructive can you get?"

"And that," Dr. Perry pointed at her, "is what I'm talking about. When we've discussed Michael, every time we've discussed Michael, you've always started out talking as though he is this nuisance to you. He's stupid or embarrassing or something along those lines. Yet you still find yourself attracted to him. And when you actually begin to open up to me about him, which granted is not often, but when you do, you never seem like you're ashamed of being with him or that you think he's stupid. Instead you seem like you love him, or could be falling in love with him. Which scares the hell out of you, doesn't it Jan? Because you're not supposed to love someone like Michael Scott. You, corporate ice queen Jan Levinson, aren't supposed to love someone like simple, sweet, fun loving manager Michael Scott. But you do. And you're repressing that, fighting it by pushing Michael away or putting distance between you. And that's what your dreams are representing."

Jan said nothing, just stared at Dr. Perry. "I still don't see –"

"In your dreams you evade Michael. You swim away from him or you pull away from him or you throw water in his face. He keeps coming after you. You've told me yourself that after Chili's it was Michael who wanted to start a relationship, Michael who pursued you, and you who wanted to end it. You pushed him away after that, only to kiss him on Valentine's Day. But again, you pushed him away. You pushed him away so much that he got another girlfriend. But he came back to you in the end and you went to Jamaica. At the airport though, you told him that it would never work, that you couldn't be a couple, that he shouldn't ever mention it again. Of course on my advice you finally gave in and started dating him, but you're still keeping him at arm's length, aren't you?"

"No, I – I'm dating him, I'm not –"

"How many of his colleagues know you're dating?"

"Probably his whole office," Jan replied with a grimace.

"And how many of your colleagues know you're dating?"

Jan paused. "It's no one's business…"

"Michael is so excited to have you as his girlfriend that he'll tell anyone who will listen. You can't even find it in yourself to declare your relationship to corporate."

"It's not –"

"You've said that Michael likes to cuddle after sex," Dr. Perry pressed on. "You've also said that you don't."

"I cuddled with him last night!" Jan protested.

"And how did you feel?"

"It was – alright." _'Nice,'_ she thought in her head, _'comforting,'_ but Gould had never liked to cuddle and it felt strange now, to have someone's arms around her when she was so used to not having someone want to hold her.

Dr. Perry looked at her for a few moments as though she could read her mind. She smiled wryly at Jan. "You still won't give yourself over completely to Michael because you're afraid. Your ex-husband did a number on you, that's for sure, and now you're taking all your insecurities and you're sticking them on your relationship with Michael, even though he is certainly not your ex-husband."

"I'm not –"

"You're scared to commit yourself completely to Michael, petrified to think that you're falling in love with him, because that could mean that you would be opening yourself up to be hurt again. So you're pushing him away as hard as you can, even while that tiny part of you that wants to love him is trying to hang on to him. And each time you push him away, you're swimming further and further away from him. Until one day you're going to push too hard, and he's going to leave for good, just like you think you want. Only then, when it's too late, will you realize that you've pushed away the only man who can save you."

Jan wanted to protest, wanted to tell Dr. Perry that she was completely off base and totally whacked and that she should never have gotten her Ph.D. and that she was done with therapy for good. But she found that she couldn't speak, couldn't form words.

"Have you told Michael about these dreams?"

"Yes, I told him last night. I woke him up when I woke up. He knew I'd had one last weekend. The first time I had one was last weekend actually. I woke up and went right for the bathroom to splash cold water on my face and pull myself together. I figured that he was still sound asleep. Gould never –" Jan stopped there.

"Gould never what?" Dr. Perry pressed.

"Gould was a heavy sleeper. He never – if I had bad dreams – if I woke up he never – he never knew it. He just slept through it. And I didn't realize that Michael –"

"Wasn't your ex-husband?" Dr. Perry offered.

"Wasn't a heavy sleeper."

"What did Michael say when you told him about the dreams?"

"He said – he said it was stupid, because if I was drowning he wouldn’t just watch me drown, he would try to save me."

"That's all he said?"

"He said that if I was drowning there was nothing that could stop him until I was safe, unless he died while trying to save me."

Dr. Perry remained silent, let Michael's words ring in the air for a few moments. "And how did you feel when he told you that?"

_'Loved, wanted, safe, protected,'_ her heart screamed out. "Shocked, I guess," her mouth said.

"Why shocked? Didn't you know how Michael felt about you?"

"Yes, I did. I guess I just – I didn't know how – we've only been together for a few weeks – I wasn't sure how – I didn't know just how… strongly he felt."

"Did you believe him?"

"What?" Jan looked confused.

"Did you believe that if you really were drowning that Michael wouldn't stop until he'd saved you?"

"Yes." Jan was amazed at the ease and conviction with which that word rolled off her tongue.

Dr. Perry smiled at Jan's admission. Silence stretched around them as she jotted something down on her notepad. Then she looked up at Jan, "So, shall we bash your ex-husband now?"

Jan blinked in surprise. "What? That's – that's it? After all that, you're just… changing the subject now?"

Dr. Perry shrugged. "I've told you my interpretation of the dreams and what you need to do to stop them. You've told me that you believe Michael and trust him with your life. I really don't see what else there's left to say on the matter."

"You told me that to stop the dreams I need to really stop the self destructive behavior, stop pushing Michael away. But, how do I do that?"

Dr. Perry smiled. "That's something you have to figure out for yourself, Jan. I can't tell you what to do. Only you truly know what it takes to break down those barriers you've built up so high around yourself. And maybe you've built them so high that there isn't any way to get them all down."

"And if I have?"

"I don't think you have. I think Michael's already been tearing them down, bit by bit."

"But if I have?" Jan pressed.

"Then you drown."

Jan blinked rapidly, suddenly feeling again like she did in the dream, like the water was slowly filling up her lungs and no one was there to save her. And then, an image of Michael laying in his bed, holding her close to him and drawing patterns on her arms until she fell asleep came into her head. And the feeling subsided as quickly as it had come.

"Time's up." Dr. Perry smiled, indicating the clock on the wall which read 6:00, meaning their session was over. Jan rose automatically.

"Good session today. I'll see you next week."

"Yeah," Jan nodded, but it was obvious her mind was elsewhere. Dr. Perry watched out her office window as Jan climbed into her car and left the parking lot, making the left that would take her to the interstate and Scranton, instead of the right that would take her back to her apartment. "Good session," she repeated to the empty room.

~ * ~

The drive to Scranton took nearly two and a half hours on a good day, and of course on a Saturday night traffic was horrible. It was nearly quarter 'til ten until she pulled up and parked outside Michael's condo. The only light coming from the place was coming from his bedroom and she knew that he had believed she would be staying in the city and had gone to bed early.

She used the spare key he had made her to get in, and for the first time didn't feel awkward doing so. She let her purse fall on the table beside the door, hung her coat next to his on the coat rack, and kicked off her heels beside his pair of shoes already sitting there. She reached around and pulled out the pin holding her hair up while climbing the stairs. And when she reached his bedroom door she smiled at the sight of him, sitting in bed, flipping through the issue of Cosmo she had left on the bedside table.

"Hey," she said softly, leaning against the doorframe.

His head whipped up and his eyes lit up as he took in the sight of her, standing there. She felt butterflies begin to dance in her stomach. _Gould had never looked at her like that before._

"Hey!" He was off the bed and standing in front of her before she even realized it. "You came back. I figured you had just stayed in the city."

"No." She shook her head. "Traffic was just bad. Saturday night, you know?"

"You didn't have to drive all the way back here if the traffic was that bad. You're just gonna have to drive back tomorrow."

She smiled at the way he was always looking out for her, even above his own interests. "I wanted to."

"Yeah?" He was beaming at her.

"Yeah." She nodded.

Michael was still grinning as he moved back, letting her come into the bedroom. She shrugged her jacket off and undid her pants, letting them fall to the floor. Michael sat on the bed, watching her. She felt his eyes on her, but it didn't make her feel uncomfortable like Gould's staring always had.

"So, Buttercup, whatcha wanna do tonight?" He asked her.

She pulled off her shirt and unhooked her bra, digging around in one of his drawers for the t-shirt of his that she normally wore to bed. She found it and an extra pair of his boxers, with big smiley faces all over them, and she pulled them on before turning to him. "Actually, I was thinking, could we just, go to sleep? I'm pretty tired and the drive was long and –"

"Of course," Michael had already pulled the covers down and slid under them on his side. He patted her side for her. She happily climbed under the covers.

Michael turned off the light and the two of them lay side by side in silence. Then Jan felt Michael reach over and pick up her hand, threading his fingers through hers. She turned on her side so she could see him. "Michael?"

"Oh, sorry." Michael went to let go of her hand, but Jan held on.

"No. It's okay. I just – why are you holding my hand?"

"Your dreams." Michael said simply. "I know you haven't been getting a good night's rest because of them. And I thought this way, if you start to have them again tonight, then maybe if you felt me holding your hand, you'd know you were safe, and you wouldn't have them."

Jan felt a lump forming in her throat and tears welling up in her eyes at his words. She also swore that somewhere, in the back of her mind, she heard all the walls she had built up come crashing down. She lifted their joined hands up and kissed his knuckles softly. "That's so sweet, but you know what I'm pretty sure will make the dreams go away for good?"

"What?" Michael asked, as though whatever it was that she said he would do for her.

"If you held me while I slept." She whispered, sliding her body over so that she was right beside him. She let go of his hand and reached over to hold his other one, while her head found the place on his chest that felt like it had been made for her. He wrapped his free arm around her, holding her securely against him.

"I'd love to, Buttercup," he murmured against her hair, kissing her forehead.

Jan sighed contently against him. She felt completely safe and secure and loved at that moment. And all the nights of Gould never holding her and all the nights of laying on her side of the bed crying while Gould slept on were forgotten as Michael gently played with her hair until she fell asleep.

And she dreamed of Jamaica and the black sand beaches and the ocean again. Only this time she was holding Michael's hand as they watched a little girl with her mother's hair and her father's eyes and laughter playing in the water. And she wasn't afraid any more. Because she knew her self destructive days were over.

 


End file.
